Resilience isn’t always the answer

How can we do better when it comes to bullying? The answer isn’t about building more resilience

As a mental health educator who often rattles on about resilience (not the buzzword, but the actual science-based strategies we can take to improve how we feel), it may seem unusual for me to say that resilience isn’t always the answer. But it’s the truth. When it comes to bullying, while there is definitely a place for resilience, it’s a small part of the equation. For the most part, we need to deal with the perpetrators rather than the victims.

With the rise in social media and the decline in teachers’ disciplinary powers (which is sometimes a good thing, sometimes not), bullying in the schoolyard is arguably worse than ever. My two kids are now both in their teens – my son is 16, my daughter, 13 – and while my son has experienced a few isolated incidents of bullying, my daughter hasn’t been quite so fortunate.

Firstly, a couple of girls decided to rub some biscuits in her face from behind, which was apparently retribution for my daughter sticking up for someone else who was being bullied. She handled it, but that kind of behaviour is assault, and we wouldn’t accept it in our work environments. It made the protective old dad in me furious.

To their credit, the school handled that particular incident quite well. However, it didn’t end there. A few days later, I received a call from the school letting me know that there were some nasty things written on the toilet wall about my daughter. Basically, she was told to “unalive herself” (those weren’t the words used), and I was shocked. She handled it outrageously well, choosing to see it as a compliment that these girls are so focused on her.

As you can imagine, I am proud of her for choosing to see what can only be described as a horrible situation in such a remarkable way but, really, having victims of bullying “look at the bright side” or “take it as a compliment” is not something I have ever expected from her. I wouldn’t expect that from anyone – the onus to change is not on the victim, it’s on the perpetrator.

In this case, the school can’t really do much; they have no way of knowing for certain who wrote those words on the toilet wall. But in the meantime, my daughter has to use this same toilet where these girls hang out vaping. Vaping – don’t even get me started! Is it any wonder I’m starting to understand more and more why so many people choose to home-school their children?

I don’t blame the school system in any way. Their go-to response of suspending kids (when they are certain of the perpetrator) is one that the community at large wanted as an alternative to the slaps, sticks and straps that we, the older generation, received as kids. But suspensions don’t deter anyone, because it’s basically a holiday. It’s almost a badge of honour for some kids. You could argue that perhaps we should go back to the corporal punishment days, but I don’t think abuse in any form is helpful.

So what do we need instead? I hear you ask. 

I’m open for debate, but the way I see it, we need three things: 

(i) A system that addresses bullying in a non-violent way that deters kids from bullying rather than rewards them, like suspension does. 

(ii) A serious investment in schools to support them in creating an anti-bullying culture. Already much is being done here but, seemingly, it’s not working. 

(iii) More parents having tough discussions with their kids about bullying.

Point (i) is probably easy enough; there are certain privileges that can be taken away that are absolutely devastating to kids. 

Point (ii), I’m sure, sounds a little more “airy fairy”. But when we’ve put our minds to it and given it a proper crack rather than a tokenistic jab, we’ve shifted the culture before. Think back 25 or 30 years, if you will, to when you wouldn’t dream of taking your best mate’s keys if he’d had too much to drink. You might try and persuade him to catch a taxi, but it just wasn’t a cultural norm to simply take his keys (in fact, it would have seemed pretty poor form). Yet – after new laws and targeted advertising campaigns – change we did. 

Point (iii) is where things get challenging. Not only do I have my own kids, but I’ve worked with many teenagers who are exhibiting challenging behaviours, so I know how hard it can be to get more than a grunt out of them at times. But explaining to kids your expectations, the laws that could affect them, and the long-term effects bullying can have on people is so important. Talk about real life examples, like the 14-year-old Australian teenager Amy Jayne ‘Dolly’ Everett (dollysdream.org.au) whose life was cut short after extensive cyberbullying.

Resilience is absolutely vital for us all, no matter what age or stage of life we’re in. But when it’s touted as a method for learning how to withstand abuse, it’s nothing more than victim-blaming. Our focus needs to be on making sure our institutions and families are working together to address the problem, rather than building resilience amongst those who’ve experienced it. The behaviour we ignore is the behaviour we accept. 

Jamie Stedman is a mental health educator, resilience program facilitator, writer and proud dad based in Orange.