Breaking the ‘conspiracy of silence’ around grief and loss

United in grief, two Orange mothers are hoping to give other bereaved parents a welcoming place to come together and talk openly about the loss of their children.

“I remember hearing about Harry passing,” says Donna Stedman of the tragic death of 13-year-old Harry Greenhalgh in a waterskiing accident on New Year’s Day 2020.

“That was before Dan was diagnosed, and I just remember thinking… ‘you just can't imagine losing a child’… and I think back to that now and no, I wasn't even close to imagining what it's like.”

It was just weeks later that Donna’s 26-year-old son Daniel, better known as “Blocker”, was diagnosed with cancer.

And just seven short months later, he too had passed.

“To lose a child — you just can't imagine it when you haven't done it… It is a trillion times worse than anything you could imagine,” continues Donna.

In the weeks and months following Daniel’s death, Donna says she felt increasingly lonely, not just due to missing the presence of her son, but it seemed that the people around her were uncomfortable even mentioning his name.

“They see that you're not a complete mess, and they don't want to mention your child, because they are reminding you that your child has died,” she says.

“So you find people will avoid you and, if you become unavoidable, you sense that they dictate the conversation so that it never veers in the direction of the child that you lost.

“The uncomfortableness is too much for people to sit with... and I was just so lonely, there seemed to be no-one that understood what I was going through.”

Looking for support, Donna posted on a local community Facebook page, asking if there was a group in Orange for bereaved parents. 

But she was surprised by the response.

“I was inundated with private messages from parents in Orange that at six, eight years down the track, and that never had a support group here in Orange and I just couldn't believe it,” says Donna. 

“Someone then told me about [parent bereavement group] The Compassionate Friends, I contacted the Sydney office and they put me in touch with Judy in Parkes.”

It is a story that Tammy Greenhalgh can very much relate to. Following her loss of 13-year-old Harry, she also found herself looking for people to talk to and reached out to The Compassionate Friends group in Parkes.

“After I lost Harry on New Year’s Day, 2020, the following year I went over to Parkes to a Compassionate Friends candle lighting vigil that they do before Christmas, and I just could not believe that a town the size of Orange did not have a support group for bereaved parents and that we are having to travel that far,” she says.

With the support of the Parkes group, both Tammy and Donna are now establishing a local chapter of The Compassionate Friends to be there for other parents who are dealing with the loss of a child.

“There is a massive need for it here in Orange,” says Tammy, who knows that it will take some time for people to overcome the stigma that exists when talking about grief and loss.

“It is not going to be easy, and there is a big stigma attached to talking about it. You find you actually lose friends, people you thought would actually be there for you, but the burden becomes too heavy for them.

“But we just want to break that ‘conspiracy of silence’ after the loss of a child… it is just about being around like-minded people and being open and honest and not be judged about talking about your children… being able to talk to others about how different you and your partner grieve, your bereaved siblings and how they are coping with it and the effect it has on them.

“For those parents to be able to come together and talk to each other in a safe space and not be judged, I actually think you get more out of talking to other parents who have been through it than you get going to a professional counsellor.”

Grief is an emotion that people don't want to watch, says Donna, who felt pressured to hide her own emotions from view.

“I feel I had to learn quite quickly to become ‘fake’ in society to be accepted back in,” she says, “and in these groups, when I meet with them and when I meet with other parents that have lost a child, I can take that ‘fake’ off.”

Founded in England more than 50 years ago, chapters of The Compassionate Friends can now be found all over the world. They provide a place for bereaved parents, grandparents and siblings to come together and support each other through their grief.

“What I liked the most when I heard about compassionate friends, is that everybody within that group is someone who has lost a child,” says Donna. “So it is not a support group, run by professionals to give you advice on how to cope with your grief — this is people who have lived it, people who understand the depths of what you are going through and it is about sharing the different processes and where you are in it.” 

Donna and Tammy have been undertaking training to be support leaders for the new Orange chapter of The Compassionate Friends, with their first meet-up planned for 7pm Thursday, June 16, in the private room at the north Orange McDonalds.

Going forward, they plan to hold their meet-ups on the third Thursday of each month.

“It is a big step for bereaved parents to come out and meet with others and talk about things, so we don't want to make it too formal,” says Tammy.

“It is a massive step,” agrees Donna, “and we just want it to be a coffee and catch up and if people don't want to talk, they want to come and listen, that's fine too… there's also a big emphasis on confidentiality, so what happens in these gatherings stays in these gatherings.”

Donna encourages any parents who come along to bring a framed photo of their child.

“If they want to, they are more than welcome to bring that with them, which I think is lovely, so when someone is talking about their child, to see that photo and see who they are talking about is really lovely,” she says.

Despite knowing the need is there, Tammy doesn’t know what response they will get at first. But both she and Donna are determined to put in place a group to be there for other bereaved parents when the time comes that they need that support.

“For the first few months, I don't expect that we are going to get two people – it is a big step for people,” she says.

“But it is about establishing something that will be there for the long term… doing this will be just as rewarding for us as it will be for some of the other parents and I think it is a really good gift that we can, hopefully, give to others to ease the burden.”

The Compassionate Friends will meet every third Thursday of the month in the meeting room at North Orange McDonalds, 7pm to 8.30pm. First meeting will be Thursday, June 16.

For more information, call Donna on 0419 357 431 or Tammy on  0417 482 688.